heres my middle school bullying story

mk so i live in a pretty bad area where violence and bullying is normalized.
i came to this school in 5th grade, mainly because my mom said they had a pool and my mind automatically thought i wanted to be on the swim team.
that never happened. first day of school i sat in the back of the line and didn't talk to anyone because i was awkward. i made these friends though. they were the awkward kids at the time. i became their friends and ye ye yea.

i was a good kid till they converted me.

i never cursed before i went to that school, but the first day of class they made me think i had to curse to be apart of the "normal". so being vulnerable, i did. i became stressed by having to follow the way they act and do the things they do. i became unhappy with myself which led to my grades completely crashing especially in math class.

heres when the bullying began.

i didn't have a phone in fourth grade, nor third. my first phone was in 5th grade. it was a free phone that worked off wifi. my mom is the only one working and my dad is a shitbag. so, she got me a free phone. an obama phone. i wasn't materialistic at the time until they called me during class and everyone heared the ringtone. they didn't know it was my phone, but they knew i didn't have or i was hiding one. eventually they found out and teased me for it since they all had iphones. now, this girl. she started to call me names and treat me in such a snobby and stuck up way even though i've never even spoken a work to her at this school. shed comment about my weight and my looks and i guess it got to me even if i defended myself with words.

then of course the popular girls came ect ect what the fuck ever.

but this is what bothered me the most.

my friends. people i thought were my friends...embarrassed me in front of the entire school. it was the first day i had my period and i didnt know wtf it was because nobody ever talked to me about that stuff. nobody thought it would come so early. but nevertheless it did. since i didn't know what it was, i didn't bring a pad that day. so i asked my friends, "is there anything on the back of my pants?" guess what they said? no. obviously. so, in front of the entire school all you see on the back of my pants is red. just red. No teacher told me, no student, no friend. the only person that told me was my mother at the end of the school day. i remember the next day in the computer lab, i cried. i bursts into tears RIGHT next to my friends who were talking and laughing, talking to eachother.

they did nothing.
nobody did.

fast forward to 6th grade, i'm still hanging with them, because its them or nobody. painful loneliness to me AT THE TIME was better than being immersed in your own loneliness. so while i suffered they just became closer. even when they got in a fight i was the one to bring them back together.

now, this was the lowest i was ever at.

6th grade math class.

i cut myself in the back of the class after taking the blade out of my sharpener. my friend right next to me, and all she does is take one glance then look away. the guy right next to me, he stares and looks away. nobody tells the teacher that a student is bleeding out in the back of the classroom, a student that YOU'RE supposed to be watching is bleeding out, committing suicide in YOUR classroom. no.

every. fucking. day. i wanted to die. i still have suicidal thoughts sometimes, and to be honest, the last time i had them was sunday, and its thursday.
things are going to be hard you have to tell yourself not only what you'll be missing out on, but also the impact you'll put on other people. for example one of the reasons im still alive, one of the reasons i didnt run away yet.. is because of my mom. i CANNOT leave her in a toxic relationship with me being the only child. i simply cant. what would that do for her? only bring her down even more.



I'm in 8th grade now, graduating soon if i grasp the motivation and focus to graduate, and i gotta say, this allllll taught me something though.

in life you have to look out for yourself. as much as you trust your friends or family,, they aren't permanent. the only person that you have all day everyday, till the day you die, is yourself